So, I do actually keep journals. They're a private collection of my thoughts. Thoughts that I don't feel comfortable sharing with others, barring a few of course. But today, I had an epiphany. It was wonderful. It was like the first time I wrote a "journal". I just exploded and all my thoughts just came gushing out. I love thinking. It's like my non-corporeal lover (other than God, but that's besides the issue). Anyway, it felt like I was reunited with an old friend.
Well, I'm just going to copy and paste that entry onto here. It was so insightful, I just want to share it with everyone! Yes, I realize that this may not be the best medium because of the somewhat low traffic to this site. But it's ok. It's a start.
Please be aware that I use the word "shit" in this post. If you are offended by this word "shit", know that I am using it in context and that it really is the only word I could think of at the time that could adequately describe what I was experiencing.
May 30, 2008
I've been working this clinic job for about three weeks now. It's just menial stuff still but I intend to ask the boss for more involvement in the writing aspect. Well anyway, I don't want to talk about that because it bothers the shit out of me already so .. I'll stop there. But with work, I find my free time just cut exponentially. I suppose it's somewhat ok. But I've felt that something was amiss, especially today. I didn't know what it was at first. Now I know: I haven't had nearly enough time on my own just thinking. Thinking about anything. I've been trying to sleep for the past hour but I've just been lying there thinking, in my head and out loud. Thinking about where I am right now. Thinking about where I want to be. Now that I have something that can be construed as “work”, it's opened my eyes to many things. One of those things is my ambition. It exists (wow). I had no idea. So what do I want? I want to move forward. I want to grow and keep growing. I don't ever want to stop. When I stop is when things become routine. Routine's ok but the same routine is not. I don't want to be complacent with where I am in any aspect of my life. I want success but not in the worldly sense of it, since when was it ever anyway for me. I was brought up anti-world and I will continue to be anti-world, hopefully for a long time to come. But I do want personal success. I want to always enhance my abilities, increase my abilities, and acquire more knowledge. I do however stress the practical aspect. Head knowledge alone typically fades away into nothingness. You know, 9-5 doesn't give nearly enough time for me to really think out me. To think out the things that matter to me and affect me. Although I do nothing, I'm glad I got this “summer student” position. It's stretched me a lot. It's helped me realize more of who I am as well as who I want to be (and the things I can do to achieve that, which I fully intend to do). I've got to be a leader of myself. No backseat for me. I usually sit front seat anyway. But I suppose it's the being driven part that's the point. I miss thinking to myself. I miss taking time to understand myself and the world around me. So many ideas. So little time. Man, I hope I use the next 70 years properly! (HOPEFULLY NO EARLY DEATH NOR DEMENTIA)
So what exactly do I want to do? Right now in this phase of my life, I want to improve my abilities, but more importantly gain abilities and understand life and the world. I mean, if perfection was more than just an ideal, I would aim for knowing everything and being able to do anything but that's not possible so I'll settle with pushing onwards at all times.
I WANT TO THINK!
